Sauron's Journal
by Synbu
Summary: We all know that Sauron is evil, but what of his daily life? What of Minions? What of Chairs? What of SCAMPI SHRIMP? ...These are his grievances. WARNING: RANDOMNESS! BOW DOWN TO IT! R&R please. DISCONTINUED.
1. Of Minions and Shrimp

Sauron's Journal

Disclaimer: We don't own Sauron or ne of da lord o da rings chars. . . so uhh yah. . .

Also. . . no minions or chairs or hair OR food was harmed in the making of this story. . . (Notice Sauron isn't in da list) Uhh well actually one minion did get uhh gerbiled and uhh nother one got eaten.. . .and food went flying down da stairs and up the wall-

Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!!!

To avoid being prosecuted we warn you that Sauron is not himself. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF CHARACTER DAMMIT!

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(Sims music plays a.k.a.: SAURON'S INTRO)

Well those damned minions screwed up. Again. 

Why is it that I'm the supreme evil being in this pathetic world and I have masses of armies. . .yet my numerous minions can never do anything right and I end up doing it! One wonders why one has the minions in the first place. The only reason I may have mine is just because you cannot be an evil warlord with nothing to be lord over.

Then you're a mediocre villain!! One must be a warlord to wage war on an entire earth!! But then one has to deal with incompetent fools... a.k.a. minions.

So very wearisome. . The choice between being powerful on one's own and being a nobody, or having millions of minions who don't do anything for you but you are famous throughout the land.

Damn them. Damn them and their small incompetent minds. But I suppose if I were to rule smarter minions they would perhaps revolt and attempt to create a new, less violent leader. I suppose that they are useful in that perspective...

The natural choice for many is the fame! The fortune! The- When's dinner going to be ready? I will see when my minions will cook it... but I will probably end up cooking it myself as they always burn the food. . .I may like fire but I don't want my food to taste like my floor. . .

So I cook it on the chair. The dish for tonight... umm well I dunno that one. I will ask a minion...hope they know what 'food' means. . .

--LATER--

Well the dish tonight is apparently called 'huh?' for when I asked my general- MY GENERAL, he's supposed to be smarter then the others- replied simply, 'huh?'

God... why did I have to have ORCS?? Why couldn't I have some evil dwarves or ents? Even a man has more sense then they do. . .I will write to the BGC(Bad Guys Co.) and order a minion farm to start off and then I shall order some evil elves, men, and ents to grow in it.

And if I don't get it...there shall be HELL to pay!!

Quite literally since it costs quite a bit to order and then there's tax and shipping. . . 

Wait...what was my original thread...? Oh dear, I've forgotten. . . .I'm hungry...better go make my dinner…

I think maybe fish. Or lobster yes I love lobster. Why is seafood the only thing available?!

It doesn't' even make sense...I live in Mordor, which is Hell and gone from any sea, and yet all we have is seafood??!

Oh well...I'm starving. . .

Why is it whenever I write I always come back to this subject??

Well ...when you're bored. . .

--LATER--

God, I STILL haven't eaten! When am I going to make dinner? I don't really know...I only have two hands so I can't really make dinner and write at the same time!

Look if its sooo important, make your own dinner!

Ahhhhh! Writing to myself!! When will the insanity cease!! The Minions!! They did it to me!!

--EVEN LATER--

Shrimp. All I get is freakin' shrimp. That's all they have here to eat. I'm the main villain in this story, and all I get is… Shrimp.

Not even jumbo sized, but those little scampi shrimp that people stick in drinks!

Oh...I have written a copy of the letter I will send to the BGC.

Dear BGC board,

I am getting very...no, EXTERMELY tired of Orcs as minions. As a result, I have deigned to buy a minion farm from you, complete with Humans, Elves and Ents. Send the live organisms in an envelope with a sanitary wipe over it please... They mustn't be harmed. If you fail to comply with this request you shall face...my lawyers, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and my judge Po in court. I wouldn't wanna be you if that happened.

Sincerely,

Sauron, Evil Lord of Mordor (who is forced to eat scampi shrimp)

Now... I will impersonate a giant eye and sit on the top of my tower... I just hope I can change back this time. . .

--THREE DAYS LATER--

I can't believe it! I was stuck as a giant eye for three days and nights!!

My god! That really really sucks! And my damn minions...

Whenever I'd try to float around (as I usually do) I'd roll forward and just lay there... completely blind.... getting grit in my eye.

In ME I should say.

My minions have so much laundry to do...but, once again, I shall end up doing it

/smudge on page/

GOD! The legs on my chair just randomly flew off!! They went out my window and over the horizon!

I only have one chair!

DAMMIT!

I will not lug that around every time I need to sit down and I flatly refuse to sit on the floor...Great, now I must send my minions to find me a new chair.

This is one thing I cannot do myself as my enemies are wandering the land... the most idiotic thing I could do is to show up in a local Target to buy a chair...they'd all just drop their groceries and jump on me

When I was ONLY BUYING A CHAIR!!

Better go do that...I wonder if my minions have the intelligence to get a take out dinner for me...

See? THIS is the reason I need elves and ents. THEY wouldn't stand out.

Yes...better yet! I must get my elves and ents to RUN THE STORES!! BWAHAHAHAA! There would be a 99% discount for anyone from Mordor!!

And, I'd get the best deals on food and furniture and stuffies!

Hahaha. That would be awesome!

My dear stuffies... I always remember to sleep with Mr. Neegish when I'm especially upset... I swear that stuffed bunny must have some magic. . .

And he's so soft... and warm... oh there I go again. I just ADORE that little bunny.

But his carrot, Bacon Sandwich, has gone missing...he suspects me, I know it! He thinks that I wanted to get between him and Bacon Sandwich so that I could have Mr. Neegish all to myself...It's not true!! I would never do that to Mr. Neegish

But one has to admit... A CARROT?? That's like me obsessing over food- it never happens. . .

But. .. Oh when will my minion return with my Chinese food takeout??

And my new, cherry red plastic lawn chair. . 

Oh the grief of waiting...! I hope the BGC will consider my offer of sending me Ents, Elves, and Men... I was just so cordial they'll have to accept!

--LATER--

Ahh! My minion has returned!! UGH! WHAT IS HE DOING??

/few lines skipped/

ARGH!! My minion came in with a wig and he was- get this- licking and nipping and kissing my food!!

I then shouted, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!'

'Your will, master.'

'When did I say to buy me a wig?!'

'But master, you said to me, "Minion, my hair flew out the window...get me another one!" And so I did. Then, as I was going out the in and out thingy (door) you shouted to me, "Minion get my food and make sure to make it make out!" ...I assumed, Master, you wished to make me make out with your food. . .and so I did."

Ugh. I am surrounded by idiots!

Of course I promptly torched this...GERBIL...and threw my food down the stairs. But I kept the wig. . .purple curls look rather fetching on me. . .

And now I'm starving.

Without a chair.

Life is so cruel to those who have it all! Although I don't think this makes sense, it is true!!

Dammit. Now I've gone and made myself cry.

Why??

Why did you leave me, Hedge?! I thought what we had was special!!'

Why did you leave me for Sam?? Why??

/page is stained by teardrops/

I will...go and...sleep. . . .Heddie, I miss your warmth in these dark cold Mordor nights. . .

Maybe...you will come back. . .someday. . . .

Mr. Neegish will be there until then though...

--NEXT DAY--

Why couldn't I have been an evil cat?

I mean...cats are cool and many things fear them. . . that would be fun… But then I couldn't have Mr. Neegish

Mr. Neegish means the world to me...and since I'm trying to conquer the world, that is a lot...god… making dinner again. . .

This time...pickles and shrimp

I'm not sure which is which really. . .

What's with the freakin' shrimp?! Is that all those idiots can catch?! Damn it all!

The pickles are a change... they're yellow though...what does that mean in a pickle?

Huh.

It can either be very good or very bad.

Oh well...I'm hungry... I wonder how one catches pickles...? 

They must swim faster than anything I've ever had, since this is my first time having them. 

Yes. They're rather tasty

Hmmm... they seem to have a light yellow mushy inside and they seem to have peels…

How strange. 

Since I have no chair, I must stand. . .That pisses me off. . .I have decided to throw my peel on the floor since it is of no use to me

I tried it but it's gross. 

The peel, I mean...

Uhh yeah…

Yes...it's worse than one of those little blue crunchy things. . 

--A LITTLE BIT LATER--

GOD! I WILL NEVER HAVE PICKLES AGAIN!!

I heard something fall in the hall so I went to see what it was and I slid on the pickle peel... and fell backwards into my table. My entire dinner fell on the floor as well as this journal as the table cracked in half...

That is the only table I own!!

So now I have no stupid table OR chair

It was designer as well. . .

Both the chair and the table

Great. Now I must send for another Minion to get a chair and a table. . .and some pizza. I will send… umm… a Nazgul this time. . .I only hope they wont look too strange trying to sniff out where everything is. . .on second thought, I will send Uruk Hai. . . 

To WalMart!!

Yes yes. That should work. . .

Oh yeah. .I am good. . .NO WAIT!

I'm evil!!

Yes I'm an evil genius!

Oh ya!!

. . . .Where's the toilet again?

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R&R please. Press the pretty button and write some stuff.

NO FLAMES!! We're new and if you flame us they shall be used to cook Sauron's shrimp… ON THE FLOOR!! And we shall hate you. Ah well, anything else is welcome. REVIEW!!


	2. Of Dreams and Eyes

Sauron's Journal

Of Dreams and Eyes

Disclaimer: We don't own Sauron or ne of da lord o da rings chars... So uhh yah...

AN: CHAPTER TWO! YEAH!!! :D thankies to all the reviewers! We didn't expect any reviews! Uhhh… NEIFERS!! wooo dee doo!! Well we have decided not to burn you because you were so nice! XD thanks for your reviews. Yay to all the strangeness.

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Keindra: Thanks for the review! Reviews like yours keep the story going. . .kind of ;) but thankies a bunch and hope u like the chappy!

VioletLemonade: NO! NO! TIS SAURON'S WIG NOT YOURS! IT IS HIS! HIS OWN! HIS ONLY HOPE OF LANDING IT WITH HEDGIE!! ;) Whooooo for review!

Geim: Sauron is not defective! He is just a troubled little guy with a purple wig. Who also has problems with his chairs. THEY TURN ON HIM, I SWEAR IT!! :D booya for review!

-

By the way! Things in dashes (meaning these things -- in case you don't know o.O) are Minion writing what Sauron is doing. All shall become clear. NOW READ!

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Well I finally got my table... in a nice deep pink. The only problem is that I'm a gigantic eye again so I can't get into my chair and enjoy it!

God, it is sooo boring to just sit on top of my tower and WATCH!! The tower isn't even comfortable... But do I have anything else to do as an eye? Nooooooooooooo!!! I have to sit on a spike as an eye and WATCH!!

-master yawns-

Even now I'm dictating to a minion because I have no arms.

Wait... I have no mouth either! How does that work?! All I am is one huge eyeball that rolls around, sits on a tower and WATCHES, and is bored…

-master jumps up or tries to-

-master goes SPLAT-

OWWWWWWWW!

MINION! COME HELP ME UP!!

MINION!!!

STOP DICTATING!!

I AM IN AGONY!!

CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

-master cries for a while, I write-

-I minion-

-That my name-

-master still rolling arou- -

-eee! He's gotta evil glint in his eye!!!!-

-he _is_ eye!!!!!-

-HE HAS ARMSSS!!!-

-Minion scared!!-

(smudge on page and strange red stains)

AHH! Finally I am back!! Or at least my arms are...

Yayness for arms!

Most of me is still splatted on the floor though… Damn it all!

Now I have my chair but I have no ass to sit on!! I must get a new one... YES!!! My eye grew back. One of my normal ones that is. Just one though. Huh. Weird.

Oh nooooooooooooo!!

(slime on page)

My eye just fell out of my head! For no reason!

Great just great... I have a good five minutes before my arms die and I can't write any more. DAMMIT!!

Curse you writers block!!! And my eye's in da way!!

Umm... I haaave to write something!!!

There once was a cornflake and he lived in a box. One day he was out getting milked and a huge green apple fell on him. The apple began to sing! And ohhhhh! AAAAHHH!!! Writer's cramp!!

Damn! Why does this always hap-

-/-/-LATER-/-/-

Well I have a booster seat for my poor slimy body…

I'm partially regenerated

I have an ass and arms and a mouth but my legs fell off and my eyes are crossed. Sad!!!!!!

Aw man… I really dislike all this smoke. Why did I have to choose to live near a volcano? Ah I remember... It was that damned salesman. He told me it was a prime peice of property! Hehehe… he got what was coming to him, though. I sent the minions after him. Heehee, it was hilarious! He ran around like a bird on fire, and he screeched like one too!

Hmm… wouldn't it be great to have a theme song that goes like doo doo doo doo dee doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dee dah dee dah dee dee doo dah dee dee dah doo doo doo dee doo doo doo! Ah yes, that would be grand... Wait I already sorta have a theme song… Aw but it's not exciting! It should be more like this: doo doo doo dee doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dee dah dee dah dee dee doo dah dee dee dah doo doo doo dee doo doo doo!! Hehe… With that song I would rule all!

Just a bit of sponge cake would make me complete. . .

AH! I must have dinner! The sad thing is, is that since I have no legs...minions must cook it for me.

You know...maybe if in the War of the Ring I had used scissors instead of a mace and ran around in a bikini I would have won. I bet I would have!

Yes yes. That explains why I didn't win before!

You know... my real name isn't really Sauron. It is... Vyvyan. And I used to have such beautiful golden locks... now my hair is uhhh well I dunno. ..Lemme check.

GAH!!! I DONT HAVE ANY!!!

##%$!!! Why the heck didn't anyone tell me?!

AHH! My body's back. ..But no hair!!

[smudges on the page]

No wonder Hedge left me!! God, now I'm crying again. I wasn't pretty enough for Hedge! He went off with Cloud… wait no it was Sam sorry. I get them confused, or wait… I don't know.

My makeup's ruined. Wait!

Do I wear makeup?!!

Huh? NOOOOOOOOOO!! My worst fears are confirmed... I, Sauron... am gay.

I love you Michael Jackson!! And Frodo! (I bet his size is just trickery when it comes to important things.)

I must have the Ringbearer! I must see him face trials, fight evil and...Get naked.

Just kidding… I'm not gay. I hope…

-/-/-LATER-/-/-

I had a dream recently. . That I was in a pool and I was trying to swim up but I was dragged down. At the bottom of the pool was a DEMONESS!! And I fell until my feet touched her breasts and I pushed off, swimming for the surface, while she said to me, 'Never felt the real breasts of a woman have you?'

I awoke screaming.

My minion arrived and asked if I needed another wig. I asked him why, and he grinned stupidly at me. Then I jumped up and randomly yelled 'YEAH!!' in my minion's face. Until I realized I didn't have legs. I SPLAT-ED. Again.

That minion creeps me out… Yes... he is strange

I aughta have him "removed". I think he likes me. Too much. In a creepy kind of way.

(Writing is messy due to Sauron's terror)

tobufasguttleeled

I am soo tired!

I'll go to sleep. Hopefully, my legs will be back by then.

-/-/-NEXT DAY-/-/-

Whoa! I had a dream that I was all like thinking that I was gay. ..That isn't true…

(writing is shaky)

I shall turn into an eye once again to calm my nerves.

-/-/-FIVE DAYS LATER-/-/-

Dictating once again since I have legs but no arms GOD! I can't believe that I actually tried to turn into a huge eye 5 days ago, it was just soo stupid!!! Man it was stupid. And now my ass hole is all huge cause I had to sit on the spike of my tower since my chair was destroyed AND my minions made my balcony collapse And so... it speaks for itself there.

I know the answer to all my problems!! I shall get a cat! With half of its soul sucked away! TONITE I SHALL HAVE SOUP!!!!

-/-/-NEXT DAY-/-/-

Well here I am... without arms again. I am trying mtenalyy ot wirte bu I msut dciatte aigain t it not wrkoing!!

-/-/-LATER-/-/-

Well here I am...dictating... I wonder... how can I dictate when I'm a giant eye? Hmm... Maybe if I can talk, I can fly!! Hmm.... the mysteries of life…

-master runs out to big open thingy (window) and jumps out-

I can flyyyyyyyyy!! I...CAN NOOOOT FLY!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

-minion hears splat… hee hee funny.-

-hi I minion dictating for master… Again...-

-Whip creams of shrimp up minions nose is funnnnn!-

-denn uhh uhh uhhh hee hee. . .master is saying baad things to minion-

-minion do his best to dictate, but minion not know how to shpell big saying things (words)-

-will ask master-

-door making weird banging noises...! Minion scared...! -

-Eeeeeeeeeeeee!-

Sht... I hate it when Minion the minion dictates... I have my arms back...after falling for a half an hour down Bara Dur and rolling back up it. How does that work??

AND I AM STILL FAMISHED!! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GODDAMN MINIONS WITH MY SHRIMP?!!

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AN: In case you didn't notice… WE ARE INSANE!!! Review please! Flames burn Sauron's shrimp and Syn and Nana will hate you if you flame, cuz they're still new! Yess yessssss… So review whatever else you wanna! Oh ya... by the way, if anyone knows how to keep the stars in the text through uploading could you tell us? We used to have them and they were pretty but they keep dissapearing. Any help would be greatly appreciated!


	3. Of Songs and Makeup

Sauron's Journal

Of Songs and Makeup

Disclaimer: We don't own Sauron or ne of da lord o da rings chars... So uhh yah...

An:  Er… Hi!_ /Syn and Nana duck as fruit and rotting shrimp is thrown/_ NOOOOOOOOO! DON'T KILL US!! We're just slow! _/Nana is hit in the head with a large watermelon and falls over/  Blame_ exam week! Blame Nana! Blame the eeeeeeviiiiiiiiil last minute science project! Blame camping trips! Er… blame… Birthdays!

Everyone:  GET ON WITH IT!!!

; yes yes… thankies for all the reviews!

--/--

VioletLemonade:  Ooh so your hair DID blow away? Hehe so were you wearing a wig the other day? Lol! And as to your denial as to being a giant eye. . . well you can't deny the truth forever!  Thankies sooooo much for da review! We're glad u like sauron's pain. . . god knows Syn does.

Umbrella:  Hmm burnt ravioli. . .'tis a good idea! We shall consider workin' it in...Maybe with a few hairballs from Minion... ;) KEWLNESS 4 REVIEW!

Bu:  Well. . .we've decided you're not to die. . .but to punish you in a different way! WE SHALL SSEND MINION TO LIVE WITH YOU!!! AAAAAHHAHAHAAAAA!! He shall always make you shrimp sandwiches that he cooks on the floor himself by hand. Keep up da reviews!!

Jenai:  How did you find out about the pink flash?! O.O We weren't supposed to reveal his connections with Versace for a while! o.O so you are having scampi shrimp? Did you cook it on the chair to avoid the minions? I hope you did. . .it always tastes better that way. Thankies 4 ur review and here is chappy 3!!!

Keindra:  AAAAAAAAHAHAHA! INSANITY!!!!!! MINIONS!!! DOWN IN DIXIE! panting Well , ahem, insanity is a crucial matter in this ficcy. . . . MINION! DON"T EAT THAT! NO NO NO!PUT DOWN THE BARBIE! NOOOOOOO! He ate it! sniffle  :D thanks for ur review! Don't worry bout da craziness!

Geim:  Hehe. . .glad you liked it- 

Minion:  Minion is popular! Minion has fans!

SHUT UP AND MAKE THE SHRIMP! So uhhh. . .any way. . . Minion can't find the shrimp! Minion thinks he should make the rice and lemon Jelly jell! Hee hee! O.o ummmmmm well we won't make you eat it, Geim. . .thankies for review! :D

--/--

On with the fic!

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Well my minions still haven't come with my shrimp. Why?!! God how long does it take to cook shrimp dammit!! Do my minions NOT know how to use fire?   Actually. . .maybe that's a good thing.

   AH! A knock on my door!!  MAYBE IT IS HEDGE!!

(writing is sloppy as if Sauron is excited)

I knew he'd come back! I knew it!

He knew he couldn't stay- oh no. . .it is just a minion.

(drop on page)

--/--FIVE MINUTES LATER--/--

Well the minion brought me dinner. . . the dish is. . .Ashhewl I guess.

It's a gigantic mound of ash built up kind of like baked potatoes with a hole in it and... Something is poking out of the hole…

It smells horrendous and it's rather gross-looking but since I am famished I must eat.

(light smudges on page)

urghhhhhhh!

I don't really wanna eat it but I must I suppose…

To you, my dear Hedgie! May your love brighten my-

what? The filling is BLUE!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH

--/--LATER--/--

Well I had to call for a minion to take the dish away.

I told him, "Take it some other place!"

And guess what he did!! GUESS!!

(Why am I writing this as if someone is going to read it? I mean, no one ever will. . .)

Any way, my minion shoves it in my face!!

I screamed at him," WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

He then said, "But master, did you not say 'Minion, smash this in my face!'? I thought it was strange, master, so I picked up the dish and flung it in your face. . .and yes master, it is indeed Asshole, a rare delicacy Relished by many."

"Many who have no friggin brain!" I bellowed at him.

He is now just standing there.

Uhhh well standing.... eeeeeeeee! Tis creepy!!

I know what I shall do! I shall attack him and get rid of his deafness! BWAHAHAH!!

--/--3 HOURS LATER--/--

Well, I have attacked the minion. . .and he dared to fart instead of scream in terror. IN MY FACE NO LESS!!!

I honestly don't know how he did considering that's a bit of a stretch…

When I cast a flaming globule at him, it… uhh... backfired into me.  So as I was leaping around in pain, the minion flees! HE FLEES!! HE FLEES!!

--/--cut to random flea sitting on a log with a giant fly--/--

FLY: did u hear somethin', fleece?

Flea: Uhh no....

--/--Back to Sauron's Journal--/--

I would bet you all that some giant fly and a flea were debating my actions just now. 

I feel like singing. I'm not all that happy but... I feel a song coming on!

_When the sun and the moon_

_They collide and go BOOM!_

My minion has just looked at me with a frightened look in his eyes…

Oh god this is unbelievable! My minion just asked me, " Will they really master?"

I replied, "I don't know. . .maybe. . .I myself have never seen the sun and the moon collide, but I do suspect that they would go boom. But unless Hedge was here that would not be amore"

My minion then said, "Minion want to see it happen! Minion wait here by seeing out thingy (window) until da sun and da moon collide and go boom! Minion then tell master what it look like!"

Now my minion is standing by the window looking. He hasn't moved yet.

--/--THE NEXT DAY--/--

My minion is STILL there! He must really believe that I was telling him the truth... HAHAHAH!. . .wait!. . .how do I know that that is the truth? How do I know if the sun and the moon will explode if they collide?

What if they will produce an evil lord who is more powerful than me? Like little furry creatures with obscene signs over their heads! That cannot even speak proper English!

 (writing is like a scribble as if Sauron has experienced a shiver)

Best not to think of it. . .

Well. . .one recent issue has come to my attention. . .my heating isn't working! I can't believe that I spent all of my cash on the iron work for my tower when I could have spent it on a working heating system!

The electrician who put it dared to tell me that "I live in the heart of the land of fire and brimstone. . .why did I need a heating system?" Those halflings. . .you just can't trust them.

I mean, look what happens when one finds the bar! ALL OF YOUR ALE IS GONE THE NEXT DAY!  Although this doesn't apply if orcs are running the bar. . .because it doesn't have ale.

I mean, why me?

--/--LATER--/--

I am NOT going to turn into a giant eye again!

DO YOU KNOW WHY???

(Oh great there I go, writing to myself)

BECAUSE I HAVE NO POSSIBLE WAY OF GETTING MY MASCARA ON AND MY MINIONS CANNOT DO IT!!

I mean, I cannot possibly look fetching if my mascara is made a mess of.

The one time that I tried to put on mascara, my eye turned orange and I had this red slit in them.  Wait! Don't my eyes always look like that?!

AGH! I cannot believe the size of my eyes!  They are, literally 70% of my face!

WHY DIDN'T anyone tell me my ass was so big?!

I shall giggle insanely.

HEHEHEHEEEEEEE

Umm… yeah

Why am I writing this down?

Where will I get more money?

Why am I asking you?

--/--LATER--/--

Do you think I'm a skitzo? The way I always write to myself? Wait. I'm writing again to myself aren't I? DAMMIT!! WHEN WILL THE INSANITY CEASE?!

--/--5 DAYS LATER--/--

I have been sitting here. . .bored. . .for 5 days. That's all well and good I suppose except for one problem…

MY MINION HASN"T MOVED SINCE FRIDAY!

He's just standing there at my window. . .staring out at the sky.

(shaky writing as if Sauron is freaked)

I think he likes me…

He's…

Haunting me…

Wanting me…

I can feel him pull me down…

Saving me…

Raping me-

ARGH!

My feeble attempt at a theme song. . .

Oh well. . .I think that it would be a wonderful song for a rock band in the far future to play.

Hmm. . .I call it "Raping me" Wait! No no no. . .too forward. . .hmm… how about "Haunted"? YES! YES! And the band that plays it should be named something along the lines of Evanescence, or Sparkalies or maybe the Allen Parson's Project!

Ahhh yes. . .

yes...

yes...

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!!!!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

YEA- Why is my minion staring at me?

God he is unsettling! He is unexpected!

Well wait!

He couldn't be staring at me because I am reading this out loud (except the minion bits)!  I mean really!!  My thoughts are perfectly normal and wholesome.

Well anyway. . .I am frightened that the minion hasn't moved from my window. . .he is probably watching me dress!

And I bet he wants to. . .do things to me!!

(huge scribble dominates page)

I wonder. . .what would happen if the sun and the moon did collide. . .

hmm. . .the mysteries of life in Mordor…

--/--LATER--/--

God, I hate how the elves and men say "Mordor". .. . .they are all like, "Morrrrrdorrr!"

DO THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH 'R's??

WHAT I WRONG WITH A FEW 'R's?

I MEAN REALLY!!

. . .Bastards. . .

My elves, men and ent farm STILL hasn't arrived, dammit!!

Well whatever. . .I shall once again go to bed

Hey wait! Who moved my bed near my window??

eeeeeee. . .

eew eew eew. I don't EVEN want to know!

DAMN YOU, SARUMAN!

No wait. . .Saruman is too idiotic to move a bed… It must have been. . .SMEAGOL!! Damn him  He has always been jealous of me. . .and has the gall to say that I stole the ring of power from HIM!!

IT IS MINE! DO YOU HEAR!!?MINE! MY OWN!  MY RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!

Ah ha! you thought I was gonna say 'my precious!"

oh shut up. . .

NO!!

Skitzo....

I'm not Skitzo…

 Yes you are!

--/--LATER--/--

Well I am sitting up in bed, writing by the light of the magma outside because my minion is standing right over my light damn him!

Hmmm well I think I have fixed my heating problem. I should get rid of all of the sprinklers on my lawn! Nothing grows there anyway. Except for the corn.   
Maybe that says something, but I, being exhausted, don't care.

AGHHHHHHHH!! The MINION IS GAZING AT ME..... I can hardly bear to say it... well I can't say it, I'm writing but I'm writing and not speaking, so I suppose this is like speaking only not so.. yes. . .MY MINION IS LOOKING AT ME TENDERLY!!

I cannot believe it!!

What did I do to deserve this??

Well. . .ok I did destroy that. . .hehe I did do that. . .and yes I did date lawyers. . . hehe and I broke up Britney Spears' marriage!

Although. . .I must admit that it was for the best. . . that was just wrong. . .

UGH!!

Shall I write what my minion has just said?

" Oh master looks cold. . .maybe minion crawl in with master to warm him. . ."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And yes I did scream out loud.

And I still am!

Screaming that is. . .

I'M GOING TO SLEEEEEP!!

MOMMMY!!

I didn't have one did I? A mommy that is.

Well then. Who shall comfort me in my time of need? MR NEEGISH!!!

He's always there for me.

Yes yes. . . . but his carrot was found dead!!

Although I always personally thought Bacon Sandwich was a little sickly. . .the bh, stealing Mr. Neegish from me!

He doesn't suspect me anymore though!

I came in from my meal of shrimp (yet again. . .I need some pickles again or maybe some potato salad) to find my minion… EATING BACON SANDWICH!!

BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!!!!

Uh, I mean, so sad.

Well then. . .MY ENTS AND MEN AND ELVES STILL HAVEN'T COME!!

God. . .I wonder where they could- WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!

--/--LATER--/--

Minion came into my room (he's away from my window thank god) and he was wearing my makeup!!

HE USED UP ALL OF MY EYELINER AND MASCARA!!!

I then screamed at my minion, "What are you doing with my makeup!!?"

"Makeup is yours master? Minion think it belongs to Bacon Sandwich."

Then I was unsettled as I had revealed a very personal secret…something that I wouldn't want others to be aware of.

Minion then looked at me critically as if trying to judge something.

"Is master gay?"

"Uhhhhh.…"

"Is he??"

"Well minion. . .remember how I told you about the sun and the moon?"

"No… WAIT! Minion forgot to watch to see if they go boom if they collide!"

My minion is now back to staring at the sun and the moon. Well at least my pride has been saved. . .or has it?

Still waiting for ents and men, but I guess I really should take care of the heating first. . .

but then I need more minions. . .but then I need the heating to work to support more minions. . .but I. . .AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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AN:  Er… yeah… Please don't flame us. We have already been severely punished by our exams and flames shall cause Nana's brain to explode.  And then… uh… Syn will be mad… I think…_ /Nana looks confused/_ Oh well. Anything else is alright!!!!! REVIEW PLEASE!


	4. Of Wizards and Lipstick

A/N:  YES!!! AN UPDATE!!! And it's only been about… /checks calendar/ two months!

Disclaimer:  Ok, we own nothing except Minion. The scene with the territorial wizard has a song that isn't ours and fooly cooly isn't ours either. /syn comes in/ IT IS ALL MINE!!!!!!!!! MINE!!!!!! /opens door to see a giant cannon pointed her way/ OH GOD! IT IS NOT MINEEEEE! NOOOOOOO! /BAM/ like I, Nana, said, this is not ours…crap now I gotta clean up syn's remains…

----/----

VioletLemonade:  Well thank you for the warning about Nana's cat (cat walks in carrying a flying monkey) Well, I suppose it isn't from Morrdorr so it's ok. . . Thanks for review and we have finally updated!

Akiko the fox demon:  Well. . .you shall see if Sauron is really gay in this one. . .(syn picks up gum off the floor) Is this yours? crikets cheep Ok. (syn eats it)  ;) Thankies for review! we're ecstatic you like it!!

Bu:  Well here we are with an update. . . Minion will leave you. . .AND ENTER THE TERRITORIAL WIZARD!. . .he's gonna wanna bob his head a lot, so be warned... maybe he won't be obsessed with shrimp scampi. . .and yes, sauron is skitso. . .so sad!

Thanx for the review!!! We's glad u like it!

Geim:  (sun is an inch away from the moon) Well, I know that we're apt to find out what the sun and the moon do if they collide. . . Sauron is maybe a little strange. . . Well some questions will be answered in this chappy. . .Thankz for review! (sun collides with moon) Uh- oh. . .

----/----

Ok! On with the show!

---- ----------/-----------------------------

I can't believe it! A FULL WEEK IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, AND MINION STILL HASN'T MOVED!! At least, no movement that I could see...damned stalker...

He's watching me...he knows!

And here's lunch... I need to make it, that is.

Today's dish is… shrimp. Well, I can't think of when I had that before!

Damn, I need a new set of makeup

--/--LATER--/--

-Minion is writing in master's daybook! Minion try to read what master say, but Master write backwards! When Minion hold up book to shiny looky thing (mirror) it still backwards! Minion think master is upset about his pretties.-

-His pretty creams and sticks of soft candle.-

-Minion see something strange. . .master has begun to have strange big red rings round his eating hole (mouth). Minion think Master uses the pretty red candlestick!-

-Minion must see if Master uses it. . .but Minion also wants to see the sun and the moon collide and go, BAM!-

-Uh oh! Minion hears steppings from feet! Minion must go and stare out the looking out thingy (window) some more!-

Well I'm back...with shrimp and potato salad...made from shrimp extract. Wait a damn minute...when did I write that I was wearing lipstick?! Oh my GOD! Minion IS stalking me!

I shall confront him about this...

--/--LATER--/--

HE KNOWS!! He knows I wear lipstick!

(scribble as if Sauron is nervous)

I... I can't let him leave the room now that he knows! He'll tell all of my other minions and then my chances of getting together with Hedgie are zero!

The sacrifices I make... So...I have to make Minion stay here...I'm going to regret this... I know it!

Yet another minion has burst through my door, saying a man at the gate wants to see me. . .

HEDGIE!!! HE CAME BACK!!

I 'll go see this man at once. . .

Maybe I won't need heating here, since Hedgie will come back.

Minion has just looked at me weirdly. DAMN! Did I say that out loud?!

(small meek writing)

 damn.

Disappointments and disturbance! That is what I had to deal with today!

The man at the gate was not Hedgie, unless Hedgie had grown about 6 inches taller, grown a beard and had grown fond of tattooing himself with hearts that said, BOSS on them.

As I saw this man, I thought after the initial distress of no Hedgie, I thought "Ok...weirdo. . ."

He was carrying a small wand with sparkling stars on it...I was getting doubts that this... this…_ thing_...was a man at all.

He raised one well- grown purple eyebrow at me and waved his wand. . . saying simply, "You smell."

(AN: 

Nana: Are u basing this guy on me? _/confused look/_

Syn: No. . .why would you say that?

Nana: well u seem to enjoy inserting characters with er... werll grown eyebrows...

Syn: Yes, werll grown eyebrows! But I thought 'twould be funny.

Nana: hehe oh well! continuing!)

I was taken aback by this impudent maggot. . .purple maggot. . . when I noticed something!

HE WAS WEARING MY WIG!!

THEY WERE MIIIIIIIIINE!!

MY CURLS!!!

I glared at the purple maggot and began to dance in a circle. I don't really know why though. . .

He kept glaring at me, starting to jiggle his head up and down.

I stopped my random dancing and stared at him, trying to figure out what the Hell he was doing.

He kept vibrating up and down like one of my many bobble heads. . .one looks like Mr. Neegish!

Suddenly it dawned upon me. . .this was a Territorial Wizard from Uncensored Land!

I heard that there was a new movie realease from there. . .a motion picture called "Dracula is Horny all the Time." . . .I wonder what it's about. . .It is supposed to be very good. . .

I then began to try to remember the lessons my Grandfather had taught me about territorial wizards. . .

--/--FLASHBACK--/--

"Now, young Sauron, strong, you must be."

"But Grandpa, why do I have to learn to fight territorial wizards? They live in Uncensored Land. . ."

"Shut up! Now. . .show me the head swivel. . .defensive and offensive."

"What's the difference?"

"Here is where we are. But there is somewhere entirely different!"

"Really? I thought the difference was a T."

"Well. . .that is true as well. . .but that's not the point!"

"Grandpa-a, I don't want to do anymore head swiveling today. . .I wanna go see a movie!  _I wanna see, How Hillary Duff's Face Got Knocked in While Her Forehead and Chin Still Stick out_!

"No! You will now demonstrate the head swivels for offense and defense!"

"But Grandpa-aaaaa. . ."

--/--END FLASHBACK--/--

I remember how my grandfather died. . .

He choked on a live shrimp that only could say WTF!

That was a sad day that Saurong the Great died. . .well he wasn't quite dead. . .but that is not the point!

NEW FLASHBACK--/--

_/Sauron's grandfather is eating shrimp scampi when suddenly. . ./_

Shrimp: WTF!!

_/a shrimp jumps up and screams while Sauron's Grandfather chases it around, trying to catch it/_

Shrimp_: /to the tune of Nya nya nya nya/_ WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF!

_/Sauron's grandfather finally catches the shrimp, stuffing it in his mouth. . .he grins, triumphant. . .he laughs evilly. . .he chokes on the shrimp as he had not swallowed it yet/_

--/--END FLASHBACK--/--

I stood facing the territorial wizard, glaring at him because…

HE STOLE MY WIG!! MY PURPLE WIG THAT WAS FETCHING!!

(scribble as sauron attempts to control his pissed off ness)

The territorial wizard glared at me and spoke again

"Sauron. . .I am your father."

I was shocked.

"That is a lie!" I yelled.

"Well. . .you are right. . ." grunted the territorial wizard, his tattoo with BOSS on it winking in the light.

Wait. . .what light?!I live in mordor!

"Well who are you then!?" I snarled, ready for almost anything. . .ok that is a lie. . .mostly anything. . .uhh

"I am your father's golf partner!"

I shuddered. . .I caught a glimpse of his legs. . .HE WAS IN FISHNETS!!!!

I began a defensive swerve, trying to remember it. . .actually I just made up a random move, but, hey, it looked cool!

The territorial wizard suddenly gave a violent twitch. . .Music began. . .it was something like this. . .it was like a rock/pop thing

Da da da da da dum. . .

_You're the one that makes me come runnin'___

_You're the sun that makes me shiiine___

_When you're around, I'm always laughin'. . ._

At this point, I ripped off my shirt to throw off the territorial wizard. . . He gave a violent spasm. . .God, I hope he wasn't getting turned on.

As disturbing as this sounds, I stripped off my pants, leaving on my underwear with a british flag on it.

Hey I was desperate!

Oh crap. . .the meanings of that phrase are horrendous. . .

I was desperate to win!

There we go!

I began to dance around in my underwear. . .shaking it

Violently.

Suddenly the territorial wizard's head began to smoke. . .

And spark.

And suddenly I found myself staring at the head of Gollum who was working a mechanical humanoid robot.

"OHHHHHHHHH! We are scarred precious! SCAARRRRRRED!!"

I was shocked. . .well not that much, considering that it was Gollum.

That pervert would do anything to get a glimpse of me in my underwear.

Freakish little insect.

Well, after imprisoning this idiot, I promptly went back up to my room. . . to find my minion dressed in my mink robe!

My minion came running out, dressed in my favorite mink robe, with my lipstick on his eyelids!!!!!!

Does the fool not know how to apply lipstick?!

Hedgie knew. . .

I miss him so.

I wish he'd come back to me. . . .

But he stole my turban!

Wait.

That's a lie. . .I don't have a turban.

I need to get one so I can lose it and say Hedgie stole it. . .

OH GOD!

My other minions have just entered my room. . .

(scribble and ink dots)

NOOOOOOOOO!

They are asking me where Minion got that wax around his eating hole!

I replied, "Uhh well um I got it at Walmart. . . Back when no one hated me. . ."

The minions are looking at me strangely…

Oh sh't.

Did I just say that I bought it?!

"UH, I MEAN! Minion stole it off of a singing clog that was on it's way to Lothlorien to see Kelly Sees Cows in Pens.  The new film, ya know?"

They are looking at me as if I have got no hair. . .

The bastards.

I got my purple curls back! I don't see the weirdness in that. Why should they?

(writing is shaky as Sauron tries to write while being extremely pissed)

HOW DARE MINION?!

He just said, get this-

"Master. . . you look like a girl."

"NO I DON'T" I shouted at him.

Another minion. . .I think his name is Nosilla. . .just said, "Um. Sorry big boss man, but you do look like a pretty lady. Preeeeeeeettttty. . .!"

I am shocked.

I cannot look like a woman. . .

Do I have BOSS tattooed on my arm?

NO!

I just have "I love Hedgie" tattooed on my ass.

I got that when we were first going out...

When I was sixteen. . .

Or was it thirty?

I forget so easily. . .I just remember that he had a big stick. . .

Oh gross. . .that could be taken two ways

Oh well.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY MINION FARM?!

--/--meanwhile--/--

A little elf kid reads a label on a huge parcel at his door.

" MAAAAAAAAA? What's a minion farm?"

--/--back to sauron--/--

I am hungry.  Wonder if we have anything to eat around here BESIDES shrimp. Doubtful.

I suppose I shall go see what I can get.

--/--LATER--/--

I have had a near death experience!

I was eating my shrimp scampi. . .god, how often do I have that?. . .and I was just about to pop this shrimp in my mouth when it jumped up and screamed. . .

"FOOLY COOLY!"

I attempted to catch it, but it ran down (or hopped?) down the table, screaming "FOOLY COOLY!" and dancing on spoons.

It was sooooo disturbing.

I ran after it, jumping on my table, which promptly cracked in half.

Damn those pink plastic tables from Walmart!

And my nails were chipped. . .

I felt like crying. . .

 (AN:

Nana: so sad

Syn: hehehehe... Uh, I mean, so sad too. . _./resumes laughing evilly/_)

I found myself on the floor with that shrimp singing a strange Japanese song. . .which was only made up of Fooly or Cooly.

I grasped the shrimp as it was getting down on my spoon.

DAMMIT!! ANOTHER DISGUSTING METAPHOR!!!

And then I said, "Ha, you will not escape me!"

The shrimp looked at me with big anime eyes and said, "Fooly. Cooly."

I laughed manically. . .hey, it's a rule that all evil bosses must laugh psychotically all the time. . . it must be some terror weapon or something…

And so, I popped the worm- shrimp!- in my mouth, chewing it with gusto. . .

It fell in my throat and began to choke me.

My minions rushed in my dining room to find me choking

"What is it master?" they screamed.

"FOOLY COOLY!" screamed the shrimp triumphantly in my throat.

My minions, were needless to say confused

Damn them. . .

Anyone could tell that it wasn't me saying fooly cooly!

I think.

I began to try to do the Heimlich on myself. . .

Damn it. . .sick thing again. . .

What is my problem today?!

First I get attacked by a territorial wizard (who was Gollum being a pervert), then my makeup is discovered, and then my table breaks and finally I am attacked by a shrimp that can only say fooly coolly.

That's sad.

Very sad.

I finally coughed out the damned shrimp and it exploded upon hitting the floor.

My minions still looked at me questioningly.

I stared at them and screamed "FOOOOOLY COOOOOLY!

They ran in terror.

(AN:

Syn: I would too.

Nana: as would I.

Syn:  and so would a flying cow

Nana: and a roast chicken

Syn: and a devil going down to georgia)

I have no idea what Fooly cooly means. . .

Maybe it is some orcish curse?

Or maybe. . .

(splashes of ink as if Sauron is horrorstruck)

Maybe it is the mating call of the orc?!

I- I honestly hope not. . .

Oh god, Minion is singing the sun and the moon song!

I think I shall turn into an eye for a while. . . .

--/--LATER--/--

Damn, why the hell does it always suck when I am an eye?

I do it to relax for god's sake!!

I fell off the tallest tower!

MINION PUSHED ME!!

I HAD TO ROLL BACK UP AGAIN, COVERED IN GOD KNOWS WHAT, AND WHAT DO I FIND?!

 MINION AND MR. NEEGISH SNOGGING!!!!!

(tearstain)

H-how could Mr. Neegish do this to me. . .?

I think that. . .I shall. . . go to a beauty parlor. . .that's it!

I'm gonna go now. . .damn minions and damn giant eyes!

Wait. . .did I just diss myself?

Damn. . .I am losing it here.

I will be back

Although I'm not happy about it!

And I am not happy about the flying cow I just saw either.

-------------------------------------/---------------------------------------

Ok! So there it is! Hope you enjoyed it.  Pleeaase pleeeeeeaaaase review!  We are review-aholics. We need reviews. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed.  Ok. Now that we've said the word 'review' more times in a paragraph than is probably legal, we'll go now.  Reviews please!


	5. Of Lovers and Gifts

SJ

I have come to a conclusion:

MR NEEGISH IS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! Now that he is free from commitment to Bacon Sandwich, he has been searching for someone else…

And do you know who it is! DO YOU!

…Damnit! Why am I talking to myself again?...Oh well…back to business.

His new lover is…

Unibrau, the eyebrow from one of my minions! I, of course, objected to this idiocy! It is just…wrong… Not to mention that Unibrau came from one of my minions' FOREHEADS!...At least, I assume as much… UGH! NOT THINKING ABOUT WHERE IT MAY HAVE COME FROM! NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT! …ooh, Hedgie had eyebrows in interesting places too…He'd like me to brush them constantly…

(Syn: falls over completely disgusted Nana: Well…at least he didn't want a shave!)

What! WHO IS THIS! WHY DID THIS SUDDENLY APPEAR IN MY JOURNAL!

(Syn: quotes from Prisoner of Azkaban Syn advises Sauron to keep his abnormally large eyebrows out of other peoples' business.)

WHAT! I DO NOT HAVE LARGE EYEBROWS! I DON"T! SEE!

….

Oh god…I'm arguing with myself…I never thought I'd stoop this low…

ARGUING WITH A PIECE OF PAPER! …at least I think it's paper. It could be something else…

I am hungry. I SHALL GO MAKE MY DINNER…Why not my minions, you ask? REMEMBER THE SHRIMP!

Well, I have a new dish to sample…

You see, I was in WalMart the other day, just looking for a new chair because my old one flew out my window…again…and, uh, everthing was all good until I walked into the jewelry section. As I was examining the lovely, 14 karat gold hoop earrings- hey, I need a new pair! The damned 'ringbearer', WHO IS NOT NAKED, has my custom made earring… If he wasn't so friggin cute, I would never let him walk into Mordor in the first place. Oh crap! I mean, uhhm, he's so friggin…clever! Yes! CLEVER! HA HA!

So anyways…the Elf woman working there- or was it a man? It so hard to tell, goddamnit!- after helping me pick out the pair of earrings I wanted, recognized me as "The evil eye-thingy from Morrrrdorr!", as she dubbed me. I was, needless to say, insulted. It was also a little interesting that she hadn't noticed that I WAS indeed a giant floating eye with a blanket draped over it. (Syn: I don't like Elves. I REALLY don like Elves. Nana: Well, they're okay. I mean, They aren't the brightest, sure, but- Syn: NO! THEY SMELL! Nana: How do you know that? Syn: Uhh, intuition?) As I was fleeing the pissed customers, I happened to knock over a bookcase that had interesting Haradian recipe books. I couldn't look very long, so I picked up my chair- ummm I have telekinesis.- and fled the WalMart, throwing some cash at the cashier… Huh. Interesting little rhyme thingie.

Then I floated home with my new pink plastic lawn chair- but pink is such a FRIENDLY color!- and I found a Haradian cookbook in the seat of it. It said on the front, "MUSHI SUSHI!" I was wondering if THAT was the dish, mushy sushi –whatever sushi is- or if that was the book. I'm still thinking about it.

So, I made the first dish within that book…Sushi, only I used shrimp rather than seaweed. It looks rather like Ashewl, but it isn't as revolting.

The little hairs on the back of my neck are pricking up…SOMEONE IS WATCHING ME!

It was Nozilla. He looked rather embarrassed for some strange reason. I waved my hand imperiously and I asked, "What do you want, minion?" He shuffled his feet around and stared at the ground.

"M-master? Um, lately, the other minions see you act like insane dwarf who get catnip in beard, so uh, minions decided to buy you something to- to fit with you stuff." He held forth a box wrapped in red ribbon. I mean, there was paper on it too, not just a red ribbon. I ripped the paper and ribbon off, revealing something rather shocking.

(Nana:O.O Syn: eats popcorn) It was a bright red bustier with white fur on the rim of the, ah, cups. I looked at Nozilla who looked like he was about to puke. Guess what I said? Guess what the oh-so-intelligent Sauron of Mordor said? GUESS! MUAHAHAHA!

"I don't have boobs."

(Syn: falls over laughing Nana: Oo)

Nozilla looked like this: O o

I looked further in the box to see a furry white garter belt with a matching –ahem- crotchless thong. At this I felt myself go red. It would be rather…chilly…in that outfit. Nozilla was now: . 

(Syn: mostly laughing her ass off Nana: drinks from a liquor bottle I wanna fughet it all…)

I looked deeper into this Dark Chest of Wonders to find white fishnet stockings and red stilettos with a slight white fluff on the toes. Then…I found…a small packet of catnip. I looked up to fry Nozilla –hey, if I didn't, they would have thought that I actually liked it, which is bad for any self-respecting evil overlord- only to find that he had run off. Damned minion! Not even staying around for his own demise! GODDAMNIT!


End file.
